A Good-Enough Mother’s Advice
Dear Soon-to-be Mom,
I was asked to put down some words for you as your are about to have your first child - advice for a new mother. I am chuckling as I write this, because there will be no other time in your life when you will receive as much advice wanted and unwanted about something you have embarked on more than parenting and mothering. Total strangers will offer their input on this role, task, gifted position that you will soon hold. With that being said, I am going to attempt to give you a glimpse of my meager knowledge about mothering.
I remember when my first child was born years ago at the end of August. Just home from the hospital, my mother walked in the room where he was sleeping beside me, “He’s too cold” she said, as she re-swaddled him and put a hat on his head. She left the room and my mother in-law came in a short time later, “He’s so hot” she said, as she took him out of the blanket and pulled his hat and pants off. Each mother has her own way of understanding her children and caring for them. There is no right or wrong way, it’s just your way and you will find it as you gain experience and confidence as a parent.
When I found out I was pregnant for the first time, my initial thoughts were… Am I going to be a good mother? Will I do right by this child? How will I know what to do with a baby? How will I know how to raise a person who is well-balanced, kind, happy, gives back to the world and who will create a life for him or herself that is filled with enthusiasm and satisfaction? Will I like this person who is joining my husband and I on our life’s journey? Will he or she fit in with us? Will I be able to put myself aside without resentment for this other person whom I’ve yet to even meet? Will I be able to protect him or her from the bad things that life slams us with? I was riddled with worry. It is funny that these same questions came back to me with each subsequent pregnancy, my husband reminded me of this when I told him about my concerns about having our third child.
The bottom line is - you do the best you can do. If you don’t trust your instinct, which sometimes it’s better not to, then educate yourself by reading, research, asking other moms and then you do your best. Believe me, you will fail. He will roll off the bed onto the floor; you will forget to lock the harness of her seat belt for the ride home; he will cry when you yell at him for not listening to you after you’ve had a long, frustrating day; she will hit her friend and you won’t see it; he will be fussing and unsoothable until you realize that he hasn’t been feed in a long time; she will get a red bottom after being left in an undetected soiled diaper; he will get a fat lip after you tackled him to prevent him from running in front of a car. I could go on and on. You do the best you can do and when you fail you learn from it and forgive yourself for it. You just have to be a good-enough mother not a perfect one.
When I drove home from the hospital with our first born in the back seat, I was scared and in awe of the world around us. Being in a hospital does that to you; it makes you feel like an alien on your own planet. I was seeing the world through the eyes of a mother for the first time. I was filled with worries that I had never had before. It is something that still plagues my life as a mother…. worry. Suddenly every driver around me was lacking in skills and safety, every sneeze and cough sent shivers down my spine. I worried: are my nipples ever going to get long enough for him to get a good latch; how many times has he peed; what color is his poop; what is a normal amount of spit up; am I ever going to be able to sleep normally again; how do I get this car seat into this grocery cart and will it stay; he’s not rolling over when all his peers are; how will I take care of him when I get sick . . . aaaahhhhh so much worrying! My supervisor at work put it well, she said to me, “Now that you are a mother, you don’t even have the freedom to die.” It was a funny way of relaying the feeling of someone’s life and survival being so connected to yours. A mother’s worry can make you crazy. I have had many moments as a mother when I need to take a step back and say, “How valid is this concern? How important is it? What does it mean? Can I do something about this?” And if it is valid and important and I can’t do anything about it, then I need to practice the art of letting go and giving over the worry to God or whomever might be willing to take it off my hands. And this is my biggest lesson in being a mother – letting go.
From the moment you learn that someone is growing inside of you and sharing your body with you, you are connected to this other being. When you feel her move around, the flutter of a foot or the caress of a tiny hand as it swipes across your womb or when he curls up below your ribs - how hard it is to breathe and eat a normal size meal, you know that there is something going on that is bigger than you…bigger than you both. When your body releases his and his releases yours and he enters this world, for a few moments he is still tethered to the inside of you and you understand the reality of this connection. Then the cord is severed, ending something between the two of you. When she drinks your milk with ease, you understand, this is the connection that sustains life. You wake when she does, you try to sleep when he does, and you feel her pain when she crunches up with gas and want to cry when she does. When he sobs as you leave for your first day back at work, you sob too. Slowly you begin to realize that you must let go all of the time as a mother.
You know this physically when you birth them, but then there are all the tiny letting gos that happen along the way. When you leave her for the first time, when you move him to his own room or own bed, when they grow out of 3 to 6 month clothing and you realize they’ll never be that tiny again. The first day of solid food is a letting go, the first roll that leads to a crawl that leads to walking and soon running away - they are all letting gos. Letting go of the bottle, the pacifier, the crib, and the diapers. Some are wanted and others unwanted. The first day of school, you are sending him out into the world without you….how will he fair? What will the world do to him? What will he do to it? It goes on: the voice change, the menstrual cycle, the driver’s license, the graduations, moving out of your home, college, the wedding. All are movements away from those first flutters in your womb and movements toward something much more important. Your child’s self.
Letting go not only happens with the physical act of your child growing up, but also might happen with any expectations that you have of yourself, your partner, your parents and family, and your child. One of my least favorite pregnancy book titles is What to Expect When You Are Expecting. As if there is map that we all follow on this journey. My favorite parenting book title is I Was a Really Good Mom Until I Had Kids. The letting go happens with any expectations that you might have when you are “expecting” a child. Let go of the perfect mom that you expected yourself to be. Letting go of how you imagined your partner would be. Letting go of what you expected your mother would be like with your children. Letting go of what you thought your child might look like or what he would be interested in when he grows up or what career choice or boyfriend choice they might make along the way. Letting go and giving it over to acceptance of what will be….will be.
What is important is how you handle these moments of letting go, what you want to hold onto and what you willingly release. The grace with which you embrace the growing up and letting go of your child will be what makes or breaks this experience of motherhood for you and your child. With each letting go, I take a deep breath and tell myself, this is life and I must share this child with the world. I gave him life and now I must let him live it.
I wish you the best as you navigate this amazing journey. I am not aware of any other experience that will teach you as much about yourself as parenting does.
Embrace it,
Brooke