resiliency — Letters — Dr. Brooke Sears

The Coming Storm

Dear Santa Barbara Families,

I wanted to reach out to my community as we digest the news of the coming storm to offer a few words of support as we move forward. I imagine some of you are ranging in response to the coming storm from: “everyone’s overreacting, it’s only an inch”, to mildly concerned, to outright fear about what the next few days might bring. This may be our new norm, so how do we want to embark on it?

One thing that is important to remember is that children, when compromised, borrow the nervous system of their primary caregiver. They will look to us to see how to handle stress; they will lean on our stability, our understanding, our courage, our faith and even our humor (if we can muster it). It is imperative that we take good care of ourselves to manage our anxiety so that we show our children how to manage theirs.

How do you manage anxiety? Reach inward. How have you successfully coped in the past? You might use distraction: a good book, a Netflix binge, knitting, cleaning out your garage, or gathering with friends. You might use exercise. You’ve heard me say this already: sweat it out, pee it out, cry it out. You might want to reach out to your social network or social media network. You could turn to dance, music, art, or writing. You could access your faith. Whatever it might be, make sure you check in with yourself that it’s working. If not, try something new. There are many stress relievers out there.

Our children often pick up on more than we are aware of, so be mindful of the things you say and do around them in the coming days. If you need to call a friend to express your worry, try to move to another room. If you are feeling overwhelmed with fear when the rain starts: tell yourself something comforting. “I am safe. My family is safe. Our earth needs rain.” Help your kids come up with mantras of their own. Remind yourself and your children, we have learned from January 9th. We will leave our home if we feel unsafe.

You have the arms that cradle them to sleep. You have the song that sooths them in the night. You have the shoulders that they ride on. Validate their fears and then use the skills that you already have to calm them and yourself.

Wishing you all the best as we practice and master our resiliency through these coming storms.

Dear Santa Barbara Families,

I wanted to reach out to you all this morning because I know how I felt waking up today and thought some of you might be feeling something similar. I woke up exhausted from days of not sleeping well and then the sadness came and then I felt agitated and now I don’t know what I feel. That all happened in the span of about 10 minutes. I thought it might be helpful to remind you all that we are all going to process this horrific tragedy in our own unique ways.

When we go through traumas like this our bodies go into to a response: fight, flight, freeze or faint. These are survival mechanisms that have kept us alive for centuries. When we are in this mode, our bodies move the blood from our brains and some of our organs to our limbs and muscles so that we might be able to respond to danger. Fight mode gives us a sense of action, purpose, and force. It focuses us and seems to give us power and control in a powerless situation. It is important to know that when in this fight or flight mode our cognitive functioning has changed and we literally cannot hold all of the pieces of the situation. This is an adaptive process and is here for a reason, it keeps us alive. We need to actively focus on how we must downshift from it when we don’t need it. To get our minds and bodies recalibrated. One way we can do this is with flushing our systems. You can flush three ways: cry it out, sweat it out or pee it out. That’s why you are told to exercise, drink water, allow yourself to grieve.

We have these two things: love and fear. Both have gotten us through existence. Fear keeps us alive. Love gives us hope, courage, purpose and meaning. Both of these things have a space here and in the coming weeks. As we gather together as a community to grieve and heal and celebrate the lives of our deceased community members be gentile with yourselves and with those you love.